I never liked living in a small village. Since I was little I had the dream to move to a big city, to a more ‘buzzing’ place, to a place with more than one supermarket for all the inhabitants (plus cows). When I had the choice to move out and go to uni in a big city I immediately knew that was what I had to do: wasn’t it what I’ve always wanted?
So plans were made and goodbyes were said, and off I went to the big city (though it was a bit less spontaneous than I make it seem) - two hours away from my loving family. I’ve always had a great connection with the ones close to me - I’m not the kind of daughter who ever wished her mother dead, or said she hated her father. I genuinely love my family very, very much, and what they say is true: you only realize what you had, once it’s gone. I always thought of my mother's over-caring character as annoying but I now miss it when it’s 21:00h and I’m too tired to cook - and I never thought I’d miss my father’s cleaning-tic but I really do when I’m facing a kitchen flooded with dirty dishes.
I’m only a 2-hour train ride away from my family, but the last few weeks have been quite hard for me. It isn’t possible to spontaneously visit my grandparents anymore and I miss that very much, and instead of walking downstairs for a chat with my parents, I have to call them, hoping they'll pick up the phone.
It’s not a disaster and it was my own choice, I know - but there are some things you don’t realize when you make big life decisions, even when you think you thought of everything. I never thought of the lonely evenings, about going to bed without saying ‘goodnight’ to anyone, about the meals I’d have to consume on my own, in my tiny bedroom, whilst having a huge pile of dirty laundry peeking over my shoulder. I’m sure this will all be different when I make some friends, go to uni, am used to being on my own more - but for now, it’s quite hard, and I’m sure I would’ve returned to my parents’ house if I hadn’t had the whole ‘uni’ commitment breathing in my neck. I think it's good that that commitment and goal, for me, is there - because I know this is what I really wanted. And still want!
I make it sound like I hate being here, in this beautiful city called ‘Amsterdam’. Sure, there are some things I find hard to accept and adapt to, but I intensely enjoy other things. I love the fact that I can decide what I want for dinner, at what time I have it, and how I eat it - I love the freedom that comes with living on my own. Even though my parents have never been very strict and I have never been very rebellious either, it’s different, and I finally feel the true independence I’ve always wanted to feel.
Another thing I newly love, is being able to cycle through the grachten - I think they’re called ‘canals’ in English. Cycling through Amsterdam isn’t something you could do without one finger on your bell and two hands firmly wrapped around your handlebars, and I’m sure I’ve annoyed more than one taxi driver already. Cycling through Amsterdam is scary but once you’re used to it, which I almost am now, you can enjoy the beautiful architecture and flowers scattered through this city - which I like very much visually and creatively. There are so many cute shops, boutiques and initiatives I’d never heard of before..
..It’s just that I sometimes wish I’d have someone to share these new finds with. I left my friends, family and stable WiFi connection at home (I still call my parents’ house ‘home’, and I think I always will), and not being able to grab your friend- or family member’s sleeve to point out the awesome thing you just spotted can be quite frustrating. I’m glad I live in a time where I can take a snapshot and send it to anyone I’m missing, but living in a transitional phase can be frustrating. And I call it a transitional phase because I know it’ll get better - it has to! - it’s just that I have a lot of time to think right now, and overthinking mostly leads to negative thoughts - at least, in my head.
Sigh, what a depressing post! - but I really just felt like typing what I felt. I guess moving out as a 17-year old isn’t as easy as I expected it to be. Oh, and another thing! I just quit the job I’ve had for 5 or 6 days now. It wasn’t making me happy, and it was causing me a lot of backache. I’ve been trying to live the ‘happiness comes from within’-way, and I’ve been eliminating all the stress-causing and annoying factors from my life, and so far, so good. Even though the previous words might prove something else, apart from missing my family, life has been good. <3 I still am very excited for what's happening now and in the near future, and I'm looking forward to sharing everything about it with you.
How are you? Please, let me know - I’d love to have a little chat in the comments!